Eleven.
That’s how old I was when my parents divorced and I formed my first real opinion about love and lack of it.
Thirteen.
That’s how old I was the first time an older guy made a lewd comment about my body.
That’s how old I was the first time I began to realize that I could use my body as a tool to get attention and to feel good about myself.
Sixteen.
That’s how old I was the first time I let a man into my bed. That’s how old I was the first time I gave my heart away.
Eighteen.
That’s how old I was when I looked in the mirror and saw empty eyes. That’s how old I was when I decided that I wasn’t worth it.
Twenty.
That’s how old I was when Jesus Christ came into my heart and rewrote my story. That’s how old I was when he traded my shame for His love. That’s how old I was when He called me beautiful and valuable and I believed Him.
If you’ve ever been there then you know. The dark, suffocating emptiness. Waking up with blurred memories of the night before and pretending like you don’t care. Wanting to disappear.
The first electrifying moment of salvation. Opening your heart to God and feeling salvation flood over you like a tidal wave in the middle of the driest desert. The desperation to erase your past and the first moment that you realize that Jesus offered you that on the cross. As far as the east is from the west.
I can generalize the past like a pro. I once was lost but now I’m found. I didn’t know Jesus but now I do.
Or I can be specific so you really understand what God did for me.
I used to spend Friday nights desperate, crushing Xanax bars up and snorting them off of the dresser. Urgently taking shots of liquor so my feelings would blur. Hating myself and everything I stood for. Sleeping beside someone I knew didn’t love me. But now I spend Friday nights sober. With a man who loves me deeply and truly. With a daughter that brings me more joy than I could have imagined. With a Savior who loves me endlessly. With dreams and a purpose for my life.
BECAUSE JESUS.
Salvation isn’t general. It’s personal. It’s redemption. And redemption is raw. It’s peeling back the grey. It’s seeing clearly first the first time.
In 2010, I was so done with meaningless relationships and “love” that only left me empty. I made a choice to be single until God brought the man who would be my husband into my life and to stop looking for approval in guys. I made a choice to give God my all. My life completely changed from looking for my worth and value in guys to finding my worth and value in Jesus alone!
And I was single for two years. Two years of never going on one date or getting caught up with a guy. My focus was on Jesus alone and I waited in Him. While so many of my friends were going on dates and getting engaged and having babies, I was hanging out with Jesus on Friday nights and writing Him love notes in my journal. I was learning what it looked like to be loved by a King. I know the feeling of seeing everyone else moving forward and starting a family and wondering if your time will ever come. But believe me, dear one, it will. Trust God with your heart and He will not let you down.
Even after God brought my now husband into my life, we were just friends for two years before we ever went on our first date. I waited on God’s timing and hid my heart in Him. And He gave me a real life fairy tale. A story that I couldn’t have dreamed up but that He had in mind for me since the foundations of the world. Because He has a bigger plan. He has a plan for our hearts and our love and our marriages. And it’s bigger than us. It’s a plan that impacts eternity.
It’s so easy to idolize a wedding day and think that it will solve all of your problems, but what we need to be thinking about is what happens after the wedding day. You want a husband who will lead you, be strong for you, push you closer to Jesus, and love you like Christ loves the Church. You want someone who will walk by your side as God leads you both to accomplish your purpose together on this Earth.
Chris and I are coming up on our three year wedding anniversary (in just 2 months!!!) and the decision I made to honor God with my heart and my body back in 2010 continues to effect my life and my marriage today. That choice helped me to build a strong personal relationship with Jesus and to understand my value in His kingdom. Choosing to honor God with our relationship is something that started on our first date and continues now in our marriage.
My husband loves Jesus. And because of that, He treats me with love and respect because he knows that I am a daughter of God. And I honor him, love him, respect him, and serve him because I know that he is a son of God. We have spent time seeking Jesus and because of that we understand that we each belong to Jesus first before we belong to one another.
There were plenty of times in the two years from 2010-2012 when I didn’t understand what God was doing and I felt the longing in my heart to have a guy in my life. But, dear one, I knew the other side of the coin far too well. I knew the destruction that comes from love outside of God’s kingdom and I knew that I wanted no part of it. So every time I felt that desire resurface, I ran to Jesus and I gave it to Him. I hid my heart in Him again and again. And when I fell in love with Chris, I knew without a doubt that He was the one God had for me because I asked God to tell me and He did. He came to me in a dream and He showed me and He opened up my heart in one moment and let me fall in love with Chris. Because I had already given my heart to Jesus, He had full control of it. I hid my heart in Him and so in His perfect timing, He softened my heart to open back up to love for the first time since I made that choice in 2010. God is our protector. He is the keeper of our hearts. He is fiercely in love with us. He is jealous for us. If we trust him with our love stories, He will give us nothing but the best. He will protect our hearts.
Marriage isn’t easy. But marriage is my favorite. I love working together to build something beautiful. I love building a life and a family together. I love choosing to honor Jesus with our relationship. For us, divorce is not an option. We are fighting to show the world that marriage is true and real and beautiful. Marriage is God’s reflection of His love for the church.
Dear one, if you are single and struggling to trust God today, I encourage you to give Him your all. Trust Him with your heart. Let Him define your worth and show you your value. You are his beloved one. You are so precious to Him. Trust in His timing and let Him bring you a spouse who will build you up and encourage you to be closer to Him.
If you are married and discouraged today because your relationship seems to be falling apart, ask God to take control of your relationship. Ask Him to lead you and show you how to love your spouse like Jesus loves us. Realize that we are in a spiritual battle and that there is a fight taking place to tear down love. Because the enemy knows that love is the most powerful thing. Choosing to stay is the most powerful choice.
There is nothing that our hearts desire more than to be chosen. For someone to say “Hey, you might not have it all together but you are so worth loving. You are worth it. I will fight for you. I want to know you, the real you. Not the face you put on for the world to see, but the person behind the walls. I will never give up on you.”
That is what God says to us every single day. That is what Jesus was saying when He gave His life for us. That is what marriage was created to be like. For so many of us, that is a far cry from what we have experienced in our lives, in our families, in our own hearts. But it is never to late to begin. Hide your heart in Jesus. Give Him all of you and let him write the pages of your love story.
Because, beloved, a real life fairy tale is what happened on the cross. A King became a man and gave his life to save his bride. And then He rose from the grave and He gave her forever. Always. Unconditional love. That bride is you. It’s me. It’s us. And marriage was created as a representation of that love.
With messy hair and wild grace,
Ellyn
2 Comments
love to read truth with love
So good to connect with you via the IN SE small group. I look forward to reading more of your posts.